


BEWARE THE HEIRESS

by SILKCUT



Series: ɪɴꜱᴄʀɪʙᴇᴅ ʙʏ ꜱɪʟᴋᴄᴜᴛ [5]
Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms, Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Coming of Age, Gen, Inscribed by SILKCUT, Other, Twitter Solo Roleplay, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29126946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SILKCUT/pseuds/SILKCUT
Summary: Rin was her father’s daughter after all. She will not give in to common loneliness.It wasn’t her privilege to succumb to such ordinary emotions.
Relationships: Kotomine Kirei & Tohsaka Rin
Series: ɪɴꜱᴄʀɪʙᴇᴅ ʙʏ ꜱɪʟᴋᴄᴜᴛ [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2132040
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

**ﾒ**

Ｔｏｈｓａｋａ Ｒｉｎ

**ﾒ**

* * *

## Ｂｅｗａｒｅ ｔｈｅ Ｈｅｉｒｅｓｓ 

##  **༻✧**

Rin was eight years old.

Tokiomi Tohsaka was her father and a great mage. It was only natural he would take in an apprentice sooner or later.

Rin wished he didn’t have to be so bland and unsmiling though.

She had been playing with Sakura her sister that afternoon when Kirei, the apprentice, came by to pick up a package that her father wanted delivered to the Mage Association. Rin was playing roughly again and one wrong step caused her to trip and fall by some thorny bushes. Sakura started crying on her behalf while Rin tried to act more grown-up and refused to admit she was hurt.

Kirei had walked over her and inspected the two girls for a few moments before he bent down on one knee and ran a palm over Rin’s wounded leg. She winced at the contact and stared at his blank expression the entire time as she felt him heal her up.

Sakura was overjoyed. She smiled kindly and thanked Kirei. The apprentice said nothing and his expression was unchanged as he curtly nodded before standing up. Addressing Rin, he merely said, “You should be more careful, Rin-san. It’s unbecoming of a Tohsaka to be so reckless.”

Rin felt her cheeks burn as she gathered herself from the grass, eyeing the man angrily. She ended up shouting indignantly at him, “Don’t tell me what I can or cannot be! YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!”

Sakura was hiding behind her back and Rin stepped forward, finding her rage quite the effective anchor as she pointed at Kirei with an accusatory finger. “GO AWAY! I don’t need your help anyway! I could have taken care of it myself!”

Kirei’s eyes held no light or warmth in them. She was beginning to find that frightening but she swallowed whatever anxiety she had and shielded Sakura some more, “And why is someone from the Holy Church learning magecraft anyway? You’re either a fake mage or a fake priest! Which one are you!” She huffed then puffed her cheeks as she shouted at him: “YOU FAKER!”

“Nee-san, please!” Sakura whimpered behind her, clutching at the hem of her dress.

Kirei said nothing at all. His eyebrows were raised and he was looking down at Rin as if she was a new creature altogether that he couldn’t figure out. In retaliation to his neutral disregard of her person, Rin kicked him on the shin. Sakura was pulling her away now, but Rin gave Kirei another good kick on the other shin before she finally turned away and grabbed Sakura’s hand so they can leave the creepy man behind.

Rin was eight years old. Her father was a great mage and he had taken in an apprentice named Kirei.

She knew even then that she will never ever get along with him.

## ➷

A week later her father the great mage gave Sakura away.

Rin was very mature about it. She has to be—she’s going to be the head of the Tohsaka family one day.

She gave her sister a parting gift, a simple pink ribbon she made herself to remember her by.

Kirei stood beside her as they all watched Sakura being driven away by someone from the Matou household. Her parents went inside first and didn’t say a word when Rin just stood there by the sidewalk, still looking forlornly at the road even after the car had turned to a corner and Sakura was gone. She stood there with her fists clenched, unaware for a whole minute that Kirei stayed behind until she turned her head and he was just there.

“Why are you here?” she demanded, blinking through the tears she told herself were just moisture from the gleam of the sunlight on her face.

Kirei didn’t even look at her as he said, “Great things are expected from you, so don’t let the memory of your sister weigh down your future.”

“Shut up!” she shouted, raising her balled fists as if she was ready to fight him. “You don’t know that! Sakura and I will see each other again and we’re going to be great mages someday, just like father! So you shut your mouth, you fake priest!” She wanted to kick him again but restrained herself at the last moment. Mustering that self-control was hard but Rin managed to walk away from him without any further embarrassing display.

That night her father and mother visited her room. They explained to her that Sakura is now officially a Matou, and so her image had to be removed from all their family portraits around the mansion. Rin nodded solemnly and understood that it might be too painful for them as much as it is for her to have any traces of her little sister still linger in their home. The next day it was as if Rin had always been an only child.

Neither parent ever had the heart to clearly state what Rin had suspected all along. It was Kirei who did.

Kirei was the one who found her by the thorny bushes again that afternoon. She was ripping the plants out with her hands until they bled. Rin didn’t care then because something much heavier was pushing at her chest and she needed to hurt something—anything. Kirei had bent down behind her, reaching for her arms until he enveloped his larger hands around hers.

He told her in a hushed tone, “You need to forget about her, let alone ever loved her.”

Rin’s eyes watered. His despicable tone while he said something so cruel was so dry and devoid of any kindness that she decided right there and then that she should hurt him. She whirled around violently from his grasp, and tried to punch him. He caught her hands easily and told her to stay still so he can administer proper care on her injured fingers.

“Maybe I don’t ever want to be healed!” she insisted, trying to pry him off. “Maybe I’d be—maybe I’d be broken forever!” she choked out the words, sobbing uncontrollably before she even realized what she was saying.

And Kirei said nothing. There were no words of comfort he was ever capable of saying to her. He merely applied healing magic on her hands and then let them go. Rin found herself reaching out for his hands again though, and she squeezed them with all her strength, hoping she could break his fingers so he will know what it felt like to be her in that moment. Kirei remained kneeling down before Rin for a few more agonizing minutes as she cried. “D-Don’t tell any—anyone!” she choked out with eyes shut tightly.

Kirei was silent, but he eventually said, “No more tears, Rin-san.”

“Shut up, you faker, you stupid face…” Rin wrenched her hands free around his and wiped her tears away with them. Looking back at him, she muttered, “I will hate you forever!”

And Kirei just nodded before he stood up and asked, “Can you hate me inside your house at least? It’s going to rain.”

He outstretched a hand towards her. Again, his expression barely changed. He looked curious as oppose to sympathetic as if her breakdown earlier was a source of amusement. Rin was unnerved by everything about this man, and could not understand what her father the great mage ever saw in him. Rin didn’t take Kirei’s hand anymore. Instead, she started walking ahead of him, stomping her feet slightly for emphasis.

She was determined to make sure that the apprentice will not catch her with her guard down next time.

## ➷

Rin remembered the night Kirei ceased addressing her in a pandering formal way. He dropped the honorific unexpectedly when he referred to her during an exchange, and so casually at that. It happened during a dinner with her parents, and she got so flustered about it that she paused eating altogether. That would have been the end of that, but her mother—always with the kind smile and good intentions—turned what should have been a trivial ordeal into a disaster when she remarked upon Rin’s shady silence and refusal to make eye contact.

“Look, dear,” Her mother told her father. There was a twinkle in her eye as she smiled at Rin. “Our little girl is blushing. Could it be because Kirei-san has finally warmed up and now they’re getting along? I think it’s about time they do.”

“Mother!” Rin protested aloud with hands already balled into fists, not caring to even look at Kirei who was sitting across her, afraid to see yet another bland reaction from his stupid face. She suddenly felt like reaching for her fork and maybe even stab her hand if that is what it would take for her to be excused from the table and not engage in this stupid conversation!

“Aoi, don’t embarrass her,” her father came to her rescue instantly as he gently dabbed his lips with the napkin. “And don’t shout during meals, Rin.” His tone was hardly scolding, however, as he met her eyes from the farther side of the table.

Rin just looked down on her half-empty plate and meekly nodded her head with an apology, “Sorry, father. Sorry, mother.”

Her mother started to pick up the conversation again, “So, Kirei-san, how are you enjoying your stay here in Japan? I was told that you were raised in Italy all your life. Is this the first time you’ve ever been here in the country then?”

“Not at all,” Kirei answered in that same dull voice that never failed to get on her nerves. Rin looked up now, but she just watched him slice his beef instead of staring directly at him. “I’ve been here before during a few visits with missionary work.”

“Missionary work?” her father inquired. “When were you ordained as a priest again?”

“I received my holy orders as soon as my wife passed away,” Kirei explained. “But I had joined my father for missionary work here prior to that.”

Unable to stop herself, Rin perked up with some interest and blurted out, “Kirei was married?!”

Her mother was shaking her head with a small smile, “Rin, don’t just interrupt a conversation.”

“Sorry,” Rin hastily replied as she gave Kirei a sour look. Who would marry him?

The apprentice seemed unfazed by her stare but he met it nonetheless with something akin to amusement in his eyes again.

## ➷

The burial felt like it was happening to someone else’s family and the grief stopped being hers after a while. Rin stood next to Kirei with her eyes not focused on the scenery before her; she was hardly paying attention to whatever biblical scripture he was spouting.

There was a drizzle, and everyone else had umbrellas out except the two of them. Rin was cold but she had gotten used to it by now. The water from the sky sprinkled on the gravestones and for a moment Rin imagined that the things that rot below ground can begin sprouting out flowers any moment now. She was once told that more grass and trees flourish in cemeteries than anywhere else.

Rin’s arm where pieces of the crest are embedded into her magic circuits was wrapped in loose bandages. Kirei had administered the implantation himself just four days ago, and he had been thorough and meticulous about it. The operation of course throbbed in every painful way but it was also a welcome relief for it somewhat filled the gaping hole where love and light were drained from.

“That was an excellent debut for the new head of the Tohsaka family, Rin.”

She couldn’t help but sulk when she heard his voice above her. He sounded so pleased. It was out-of-place during such a bleak event.

Her mother was wheeled into view, rambling about nostalgia of days gone which Rin quickly tuned out with a polite remark as she gestured at the help to push her mother’s wheelchair towards the grave where her beloved lay. She looked happy at least, blissful in her brokenness. Rin envied that, as awful as it sounded. When she looked at Kirei once more, he was saying something to her again.

“There is something you should have,” he held what looked like a long object wrapped in faded bandages. “It belonged to your father.”

Rin found her hands reaching for it without being aware. Kirei droned on, “As the new head of the Tohsakas, it seemed befitting that you now own something this precious to your father. It’s something that I think he would have given to you himself on your eighteenth birthday when you become an official adult mage.” A pause. “I want to honor that in his memory, as you should as well.”

“This…” Rin muttered, her voice barely audible even to herself, “…was from Father?”

She unsheathed the elegant small sword as Kirei announced. “It’s an Azoth dagger, forged in your father’s own magic.”

Rin kept admiring it, ignoring Kirei, until her tears sprinkled across the blade, making them shimmer in beautiful defiance.

## ➷

Rin was turning ten years old next week.

She didn’t look forward to it.

Her birthdays used to be one of her favorite things too. Father would allow her and Sakura to stay by his side as he performed jewel magecraft at his private study. He would shape the jewels into ornaments they could keep for themselves. Mother would bake blueberry cheesecake and then play the piano afterwards while Rin and Sakura sang along. Rin would always get books as gifts which she loved very much, and she would read to Sakura the complicated words her younger sister doesn’t know how to pronounce yet, and Rin would tell her their meanings and then help her spell them out on their notebooks. They would sit by the fireplace, crayons and pencils all around them as they learned things together.

There would be none of that next week.

Father is dead. Mother is hospitalized yet again for another routine check-up.

And Sakura is a stranger who is never coming back.

## ➷

Rin was now ten years old.

She got home from school that day and there was a generic cake waiting for her by the dining room. Rin didn’t even tell Kirei about the occasion, so she was sort of pissed off that he found out about it anyway. And the nerve on him for buying this cake just half an hour earlier before she got home! Rin knew this was the case because she happened to look at the receipt which had the time stamp.

Knowing the fake priest, he probably didn’t even care enough to throw it away.

Kirei also unceremoniously stuck the small, plain candlestick in the middle of the cake and used a lighter. His overall countenance was about as festive as the store-bought cake before them. It lacked any kind of dedication or floral designs, but hey, at least it was chocolate.

“Make a wish.” The fake priest said it in a way as if he was also implying she should hurry.

After she blew out the candle, she muttered a grumpy, “thanks,” and started walking out of the dining room, not even bothering to sample a slice of his last-minute, sympathy cake. But then Kirei called out to her, asking, “What did you wish for, Rin?”

She said nothing and climbed up the stairs to her room.

The truth was that she wished that she’d grow up quicker.

Maybe by becoming an adult everything would start hurting less.

## ➷

She was twelve when she got her period.

Rin was more than familiar by now how puberty works, but she didn’t think it would come this soon, though.

It happened on a weekend, during an ordinary Sunday morning when she woke up feeling rather sticky between her legs. As soon as she sat up to inspect what it could have been, she immediately saw the red droplets scattered across her sheets. In a daze even though her mind could have easily processed what should be done next, Rin ended up calling out Kirei’s name a few times. Ever since he took over the practical matters of her family’s estate and assumed guardianship over her, he had been staying at the mansion, on the first floor where the guest rooms are. Rin tried to stand up but was overcome by a dizziness she can’t explain that she wobbled all the way to her dresser.

She was already near the door when the knob turned and Kirei came in without so much as a knock. She wanted to throw something sharp at him then for this invasion of privacy but recalled that her voice must have sounded panicked earlier when she called for him.

Without another word, Kirei rushed to her side and asked, “Where does it hurt?”

As usual, there was no trace of real concern in his voice, just a measured tone of professional inquiry. Rin was grateful for it for this situation because she was able to answer him just as calmly, “My menstruation has started. I need some sanitary napkins.”

To her horrified shock, Kirei answered. “I stacked them in one of the higher drawers in your bathroom last year.”

She had to raise her eyes to meet his now, feeling so embarrassed and irritated that he would make that kind of effort for something so personal to her. It was truly a violation of something which she did not have a name for but it was still valid.

“Last year?” she scolded him with a light punch to his arm, “What the hell, Kirei? Why would you even do that?”

“I wanted to be prepared,” Kirei tried to help her sit down but Rin pushed his hand away and climbed up a chair by herself.

“Fine,” she replied, “Then go fetch them!”

“I don’t think so,” he only said, “You should wash yourself in the bathroom too, don’t you think?”

Of course she knew that. She should be getting up again, but the dizziness has yet to leave. Kirei can’t know about that.

But he did. With a quiet, “Please excuse me,” Kirei proceeded to bundle her up in his arms and carried her outside the room.

“What the hell!” she shrieked and wanted to pound at his face with her fists.

“You’re unwell,” he merely stated, pulling her much closer than what was necessary.

Rin was going to open her mouth to argue again, to insult him and call him names, but she realized that it’s pointless and immature to act so contrary just because of her negative bias towards him. The fact of the matter is that she was indeed feeling unwell. She was indeed uncertain of how to go about this new ordeal. Right now—and maybe even for the rest of her life—Kirei was going to be around her in every step of the way because she was his obligation. Kirei was her late father’s only apprentice and now her official guardian.

He was the only adult in her life, and she was alone.

She was alone and bleeding between her legs. It was a natural process for a female, but it still scared her.

It was a foolish feeling. Why would a Tohsaka be scared of a little blood, and her own at that?

Rin tightened her arms around Kirei’s neck and buried her face on his shoulder. She was trying to find some comfort in this closeness but he was distant to her in ways she knew she could never figure out. It was why she itched to get rid of him from the moment they met. Now that she’s older Rin understood it was because he frightened her for being so unknowable.

Kirei had carried her in silence all the way to the bathroom. He didn’t put her down at all as he rummaged through the drawers to retrieve the sanitary napkin. Once he got it, he finally let her down. The tiles were cold on her bare feet and Rin winced in spite of herself.

Looking down on her, Kirei asked, “Do you want me to help you wash up?”

“Why would I ever want that? Why would I ever want you touching me!” she raised her voice but couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Suit yourself, Rin,” his tone was gratingly conversational now. “I’ll handle your sheets. Go ahead and get started.”

There was a weight on her head all of a sudden and then Kirei closed the door behind him.

Rin placed a shaky hand on top of her head where Kirei had just touched her. The ebbing flow of the blood between her legs made her even more aware of her changing body. It was so visceral, much like that gentle touch of hand from Kirei—and the nearness of his body around her as he held her moments ago. It was such a disgusting realization that she wanted to throw up.

Scowling instead, she glanced at the door and shouted, “You idiot! Don’t tell me what to do!”

It was an attempt to impose boundaries because Rin could feel that the gap between them was slowly closing in.

## ➷

Kirei was fixing dinner for the both of them which he had done on occasion when Rin was tired of heating up microwave-friendly, grocery-bought bento boxes. It was summer and Rin was fourteen. The humidity was like an adhesive in her pores, so difficult to scrub off no matter how many times she bathed on that day alone. The night time somewhat alleviated the heat, but Rin still wore a sleeveless beige shirt whose fabric was thin enough to outline the shapely contours of her developing breasts. She had a black sports bra underneath anyway which was very comfortable for her than any of the flimsily designed brassier the salesladies had pushed her to purchase instead.

Remembering her first trip to the shop a year ago to buy undergarments was an annoyance because Kirei had been there too, like a silent guard dog who never smiled once even as the salesladies warmly tried to chat him up. He wasn’t wearing priestly robes that day, and Rin supposed he wasn’t exactly ugly. He was taller than most men and well-built because of his martial arts training. Kirei also had an air of mystery about him which women might find irresistible. Rin wished she didn’t have to witness said women flirt with him though. It was weird and stupid to watch.

Rin sat up from the sofa in the living room and shouted for Kirei at the kitchen, since she was growing impatient and hungry by now.

The dinner was fine. It was no feast since Kirei was not an adventurous chef yet he was still a decent one who prepared enough for the two of them tonight. He barely came home in the last few months, most probably because he was preoccupied with clerical duties since he had inherited the church on top of the hill; the designated neutral zone for mages and the Church assembly. Rin had no peers at school because allowing anyone to get close to her would be too risky, so she had gotten fairly used to the solitude her own mage duties provided.

Their conversation tonight was minimal at best—not that they ever had anything to talk about as people anyway. Tonight he simply told her that she needed to start training physically and not just stay cooped up in her father’s office to hone her magecraft. Kirei offered then to teach her some fundamentals of Baijiquan which Rin seriously considered because that could definitely aid her in fighting the other masters for the Holy Grail War in case she ever needed to face one who knows hand-to-hand combat.

Rin stared at the glass of water before her as she tested that phrase again in her mind—the Holy Grail War.

It was the one thing she had been preparing for; the ultimate battle among magi which claimed her father’s life.

She was ambivalent to it, in all honesty, but Rin was like that with most things anyway. Her one true passion was studying, however; there was so much pleasure and enjoyment to be had with intellectual pursuit and stimulation which kept Rin company instead or real people and relationships. If she ever felt pitiful about that once she probably would have never been aware because Rin was driven and ambitious in her own way, molded to be a top-tier mage and wanted to be everything this family sought to preserve.

Rin was her father’s daughter after all. She will not give in to common loneliness.

It wasn’t her privilege to succumb to such ordinary emotions.

“By the way,” Kirei spoke up, interrupting her flow of thoughts. He drank his glass of water first before he went on, “I stopped by the nursing home today. I regret to inform you that your mother has passed away this morning.”

Rin’s face hardly registered anything. The first thing she inquired about was, “And why didn’t you lead with that then?”

“Should I have had?” Kirei sounded genuinely curious.

“Well, it’s a vital piece of news,” Rin replied, so accustomed to his casual callousness by now.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Kirei remarked as he scooped up the last piece of fish and rice with his spoon.

Gritting her teeth, she answered him, “No. You’re not.”

Kirei blinked at her. And then: “You’ve never liked me, have you?”

“That already goes without saying,” she said.

Nodding his head, Kirei placed down his utensils to the side of the plate and rested his elbows on the table.

He explained, “You’re becoming a lady now, Rin, and very fixed in your ways. If I was ever an insecure man, I would try anything to earn your confidence as if my own self-worth depended on it.” A chuckle now, “But it’s not. I don’t care about whether you like me or not. You live under my guardianship and therefore are subjected to my rules. There is nothing you can do about that, at least until you reach legal age. What I do require are your respect and honesty at all times. If you always cooperate with me then things will go smoothly between us.”

Rin was quiet, processing his words without feeling any emotion about it.

“I will make the necessary funeral arrangements,” Kirei added. He paused to finish his food, leisurely chewed it before swallowing. “Don’t stay up too late at your father’s office. You need substantial hours of sleep to maintain your health. Now finish your food, Rin, so I can wash the plates.”

“Are you staying here for tonight?” she had to ask as she began slicing her food again.

“I don’t have to,” he remarked, “unless you ask it of me.”

Rin narrowed her eyes. “What makes you think I would need you around right now?”

“Your mother is dead,” he stated so dryly as if the truth of it bore no kind of weight.

“And so was my father, remember?” Rin countered. “I’ve made my peace about his death long ago, and that includes my mother’s condition. I knew that sooner or later she will perish. Her health hasn’t gotten better over the years, and all that money we put in for her stay at the nursing home was simply to make her comfortable before what was already inevitable will come to pass. And it had. That’s all.”

She can’t believe that her words came out so clinical, as if she wasn’t talking about someone she loved.

Kirei looked impressed by her logical answer. Of course he would be. She sounded just like him now. It made her angry but she contained that anger and shoved it down so deep she can’t even recognize it as her own anymore. She offered him a cold smile as she remarked, “Thank you for the offer about making the funeral arrangements. If there is anything that I can contribute myself, please let me know, Kirei.”

She didn’t wait for a response as she gulped down the last of her food, drank the water, and then pushed her chair from the table so she can stand up and take her leave. Before she went, she managed to sound somewhat cheerful when she offered, “And you’re more than welcome to stay here tonight, Kirei. I don’t want you getting lonely. Even I’m not that heartless.”

When she reached the stairs, each step felt as if her feet were sinking into quicksand, but she made it all the way to her room.

Rin locked the door and squeezed on the knob so hard that her fingers were going numb.

_My mother is finally dead,_ she thought, strangely disconnected from it.

Grief was universal. Even mages are allowed to feel it, right?

* * *

**ﾒ**

**[@IEATMENLIKEAIR](https://twitter.com/ieatmenlikeair) **

**ﾒ**

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**ﾒ**

Ｔｏｈｓａｋａ Ｒｉｎ

**ﾒ**

* * *

Freshly menstruating, Rin was emboldened by the first surge of puberty and started reading books that could enhance her intellectual acuity. She was twelve years old and a precocious learner for as long as she could remember. She would consume anything from pages of any book; preferably those that have worthwhile knowledge on certain subjects that could mold her to become an astute individual with a varied skill set. Even more than growing up, Rin wanted to be respectable and dignified, much like her namesake. She was the only Tohsaka left, and wasn’t tethered to anyone, bound only by her self-importance, even at twelve. It was her armor.

Kirei still lived with her but mostly kept to himself in the guest room or kitchen where he’d prepare her meals. He fed her something with too much spices one time, but instead of complaining, Rin pretended to heartily eat it. Pretty soon she actually learned to enjoy that callous burn in her tongue. It was brutal yet nothing she couldn’t handle. Kirei obviously thought it would fraught her to eat something spicy and painful on the taste buds, but Rin will always be full of surprises. She has come to accept that Kirei was the only adult in her life. Rin absolutely hated it, but she would honor her father’s wishes and allow herself to be taught and disciplined by the fake priest every now and then.

She only has to wait for another six years before she turns eighteen. Kirei had sworn he’d move out and allow her to be independent.

For the next two months, Rin’s studies on magecraft involved Kirei’s tutelage which was both gratingly helpful at times and thoroughly frustrating on other times. Kirei was no fully-educated mage, but his wide scope on magecraft was impressive in spite not having mastery on any field. Rin concluded he really only had a passing interest, and may have just responded to parental pressure.

Rin surmised all by herself that Kirei’s father may have been strict and imposing. This theory was supported by what she uncovered during her secret research on Kirei’s school records in the Theological College of Manresa St Ignacio (which she procured through simple resourcefulness; ergo, knowing who to talk to and how to convince them to give her information).

Kirei was an exemplary student—top of his class, member of a sports team, student council president. The Church already had their sights on him even before he graduated, and he joined the Assembly of the Eight Sacrament as soon as he did.

She didn’t know what that Assembly was supposed to be for a while until she eventually did figure it out. But finding out that her guardian and father’s former apprentice was a mage-killer hardly raised any eyebrows, especially not hers. The Church had always condemned mages as heretics, and had a lot of difficult strife with them for centuries until the formation of the Mage Association. It was only then that both sides decided to engage more in office politics than actual bloodshed—not that it doesn’t happen anymore; Rin knew for sure that the Assembly of the Eight Sacrament still lived on, and their mage assassinations would be carried out more secretly at this point.

Rin laid awake one night wondering where Kirei’s loyalty truly lay. Kirei was already a candidate to become an Executor by the time he was ten, two years younger than Rin was now. Has he truly abandoned that path after becoming Tokiomi Tohsaka’s apprentice? Kirei explained to her only a week ago that he was going to be ordained as an official parish priest soon, and may take over the church on top of the hill since it was his late father’s abode. How can a man serve two masters at once then, especially when said masters—the church elite and the mages—were known enemies? Rin would then be plagued of weird images of Kirei stalking into her room one night to kill her. What method would he employ to dispose of her then? Would he take pity on her youth and suffocate her by pressing a pillow on her face? Or would he not care and make her murder as gruesome as possible, maybe through multiple stab wounds and the like?

She didn’t know why she would entertain such macabre and grim thoughts at night—and why they helped her sleep better at that. Shouldn’t she worry, living under the same roof as a killer who targets mages? A rational part of Rin had won over that argument, it seemed. If Kirei wanted her dead, he would have found a way already. There are so many simpler ways—such as poisoning her meals in small dosages.

With that suspicion crossing her mind, Rin made a mental note to take a sample of her breakfast tomorrow and perform some quick chemistry test at her father’s study to hopefully disprove her paranoia. Just in case.

  


## ➷

The sex education class in Rin’s school was inadequate. Aside from menstruation and ejaculation, the actual lessons on coitus itself were vague at best, and it annoyed Rin enough that she went to the National Library with Kirei accompanying her just so she can find the right books about it. Rin knew her body is undergoing changes, and it’d be neglectful and uncharacteristic of her if she didn’t study it as rigorously as she had with other subjects. Sex should be like any educational endeavor, and Rin strives to fully understanding it.

Kirei looked through the titles of the six books she picked up before going to the librarian’s counter; not because she needed his approval of her reading material, but more likely because he was curious. If there was one thing Rin would consider a positive quality about the fake priest, it's that he never got in the way of her education. So Kirei looked at the titles with amusement gleaming in his eyes. Three of them were scientific textbooks, two were erotic fiction, and one was exclusively about the female gender and its representation in media.

He let out a chuckle when he got to the last one, “You sure are enthusiastic about learning everything you can about being a young woman.”

Rin scoffed and grabbed the book from him. “And weren’t you, when you were my age?”

Kirei raised an eyebrow, “Curious about the female gender when I was twelve, you mean? I suppose I was, like any normal boy.”

She imagined Kirei as a schoolboy in a religious environment, fooling around with his classmates as they talk about girls from a nearby boarding school. She imagined him talking to a girl and trying to impress her, make her laugh or blush with a sly compliment. Or would he be tongue-tied and unable to make eye contact? Somehow the mental image of Kirei actually doing any of those things mentioned was just inconceivable. The fantasy of a young Kirei discovering love and courting a girl just wouldn’t hold.

With some vehemence, Rin snapped at him under her breath, proclaiming, “You’re not normal!”

The fake priest’s eyes widened an inch before he smiled in that disconcerting way he does. He had no warmth whatsoever while other people’s features would soften when they smile. That never happened to Kirei, and it had always bothered Rin. She didn’t care to wait for his response but she heard it just in time she started walking away from him, carrying all six books even if they were too heavy for her arms.

He said, “Not normal? Then neither are you, Rin.”

She couldn’t explain, and refused to contemplate about it later on, why those words hurt and made her cheeks flush with guilt.

## ➷

A week and a half passed before Kirei decided to teach her about the method of mana transfer in magecraft.

Rin knew he made the lesson coincide perfectly with her current interest in the subject of sex. She had just gone through all six books since she had to return them two days from now. Rin took down notes dutifully from the science textbooks. Meanwhile, she enjoyed the erotic literature to a certain degree that made her body uncomfortable like her skin was too tight on her body (she knew it must have been her first exposure to lust, and that was when Rin tried masturbating for the first time). Lastly, she was baffled yet engrossed by the book about media representation of the female gender. That was certainly a challenging yet eye-opening read.

The fake priest didn’t use any visuals as he explained the mana transfer (in the aftermath of the discussion, Rin was actually thankful of that), but first he gauged her present knowledge about the ‘sensitive topic of sex’. That’s exactly how he put it.

She chuckled at that, “Of course your viewpoint of sex would have religious overtones,” she said.

Kirei cocked his head slightly to the side. “And you don’t think it should have?”

“I’m not Catholic. I can honestly say I may even be an atheist,” she explained to him. “And the way you phrased sex like that—a ‘sensitive topic’—did you describe it in such a way for my benefit? Because of my age? And the fact that I’m a female? To me it sounds as if the only sensitive thing about sex is your possible preconceived chauvinist notions about the fact that a girl my age—or just the mere fact that I’m a girl—automatically means I’m not allowed to hear about sex, let alone talk about it, deeming my own person to be too ‘sensitive’ about the subject of sex, according to your standards as a man and a religious figure. Am I right to make these assumptions, Kirei?”

He stared at her for few seconds before he laughed. It was the first time his smile touched his eyes. Rin almost wanted to look away.

“Brilliant assertions,” he only said. “I’m pleased you’re forming opinions of your own although they’re still based on the insights of the authors whom you’ve been reading. But you’re only twelve, and there is still time. For now, I’m just relieved to know you’re making most of your free time at home by studying in advance. It’s actually making my job easier as your stand-in parent.”

“Don’t ever refer yourself as that!” Rin made a sour face which Kirei received good-humoredly with another creepy smile.

They were sitting across each other on her father’s desk in his private study. Rin was still too short for her father’s chair so she let Kirei take it while she sat on another chair with more comfortable armrest. She had prepared a notebook when he informed her that he would divulge more magecraft lessons for her benefit that afternoon. Rin tried not to seem eager but upon hearing that it would be about mana transfer, she was anxious to start jotting down notes. The first thing Kirei said was, “The mana transfer that mages use is connected with sex.”

That alone deepened Rin’s interest so she couldn’t help but already ask, “Mana can be transferred through sexual congress?”

And that was when Kirei ruined their momentum by labelling sex as a ‘sensitive topic’, and trying to find out what she knew about it so far.

“I know how sex works,” she dismissively answered while crossing her arms before him. “A man gets an erection of the penis and then he penetrates the woman’s vagina with that penis. He would ejaculate semen inside her which contained sperm cells that would then bond with her egg cells in order for an offspring to be produced. This is how a woman gets pregnant. She would carry that baby to term for nine months,” Rin paused and then added, “Sex isn’t solely for procreation even if your Bible says it should only be for that purpose. It’s enjoyed as a way to bond intimately with another person. To avoid parenting an offspring if a couple is not ready, there is a matter of birth control and contraception. A man wears a condom, or a woman takes pill. If she gets pregnant by accident due to unprotected sex, there is the matter of abortion where the unwanted pregnancy is terminated. This is something your religion is against, isn’t it?”

Glaring at Kirei now after she finished explaining, “Now how does sex relate to mana transfer? Do you mean to say that mages can transfer their magical energy through the bodily exchange of fluids during sex—“ she cut herself short when she realized that that’s exactly how it goes. Silently, she muttered an “oh,” as she lowered her gaze to the desk. Why is she getting embarrassed now?

Kirei just nodded without missing a beat. Leaning on his elbows on the desk, he explained further, “Mana transfer is always essential for a master-servant contract during a Holy Grail War. You belong to a strong lineage so when you have made a contract with a heroic spirit, you can fairly sustain him with your magic, but only a magus who has a weaker magical energy may be unable to maintain his servant’s physical form unless there is a concrete exchange of energy between them. This infusion can be accomplished through sexual congress.”

Rin said nothing for a while. She understood quickly what that meant. “So if in a pinch, I can just have sex with my servant to sustain his form.”

“In case you were depleted by your magical energy, yes.”

They stared at each other. And then she remarked. “You were married once.”

Kirei looked taken aback when she said that, but he managed to reply, “I was. It was a long time ago.”

“What happened? Did you get annulled?”

“I remember this was brought up once in your presence. I also remember that I mentioned she passed away.”

Rin sighed. “Right. That slipped my mind, sorry.” A pause. “How did she die?”

He leaned back on her father’s chair and looked as if he didn’t want to answer the question at first, but then he obliged her. “She was very sick. Well—she’s been sick all her life, actually. She has a rare condition that compromised her immune system. It had been extremely difficult for her and she had to be wheeled around.”

Like my mother now. “And yet you still married her?” Rin can’t help but feel in awe of that. “Did—did you love her that much?”

She knew how foolish the question was the moment she uttered it, mostly because it was Kirei and she was damn sure he had never loved anyone—but why marry a sickly woman? Out of compassion because of his Christian background? No, Kirei was never particularly a pious man, no matter how much other people think he is because of his role as a priest. He studied magecraft for years which was against his religious doctrine. He killed mages because of said religious doctrine too. For all intents and purposes, her guardian is a paradox, but every action he committed had some kind of logic behind it. Somehow Rin can’t figure out his reason for marrying a woman who is close to death unless…unless he loved her. Could that simply be it?

“Claudia—my late wife—was important to me,” Kirei told her using a tone that disguised something else was at work. “I married her for that.”

Rin can’t help but press on. “Why was she important to you?”

“She helped me,” Kirei tersely replied.

“Oh, so it was just because of gratitude?” Rin narrowed her eyes. “You owed her so marrying her was just compensation?”

Kirei’s shoulders noticeably stiffened. She must have struck a chord. Unable to control herself now, she kept going, “You said she was sick all her life so does that mean you had to play nurse to her during the entire marriage? Does that mean you never got to consummate on your honeymoon either? Was she always bed-rested, heavily medicated, that sort of thing? Maybe she was a good conversationalist, and you like that about her? But I don’t imagine you talking to someone who may have to need constant rest and is tired all the time. She helped you, you said—with what? Maybe you didn’t want to become a priest so marrying her was a way not to make your vows. Is that what you meant? But she’s going to die so you’ll probably have to go back to church…is that why you decided to learn magecraft instead? Is that your personal reason—”

Kirei finally cut her off. His tone was devoid of any irritation but it was clear to Rin that he didn’t appreciate her line of questioning.

“Rin,” he said, “It’s not polite to prod on someone else’s private business.”

She scoffed dismissively, leaning back on her chair and swinging her legs. “Maybe I’m complicating things.”

“You tend to do that,” Kirei remarked, smirking at her.

She frowned and then pushed herself off the chair. Rin glanced at him pointedly and said, “The simple answer may be this: she is important to you because she helped you. She helped you by making you realize that you’re capable of feelings after all.” She pulled the hem of her skirt a little bit as she looked at him in the eye and said blankly, “You loved your wife. And that’s why you married her. You didn’t’ care if she was dying. You had to be with her even if it meant losing her in the end.”

Hearing her explain that sounded logical, but that is if Kirei was not part of the equation. If it was any other man, she would have believed him capable of loving a woman who would expire one day due to an illness. But this was Kirei. Rin had suspected over the years that he was…hollow. When she looked at his eyes like this, she couldn’t read him no matter how hard she tried. And the only explanation she accepted was because a hollow person doesn’t have a personality. He doesn’t have feelings or thoughts that another person can understand.

* * *

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